12 October 2006

Tomato, To-mah-to, Just Keep It off My Burger

My mother and I had been worn out by a rough day, so we ate out at Perkouts, hoping for a pleasant dinner (translated: "any meal not requiring the effort to cook or clean"). Mom orders something appetizing, looks up from the menu and tells me, "You can have whatever you want." Being a man, I have no sense of atmosphere, so what do I do in a fancy restaurant? I want my cheeseburger, so I order a cheeseburger, one that Mom could've bought me for half price at MacDanny's across the street at that. Being allergic to raw tomatoes, I took care to mention to the waitress at the end of my order, "...and no tomato on that burger. I'm allergic."

After waiting 20 minutes for a burger that probably took 5 to cook, the waitress returned with our orders. Can you guess what appeared on my burger? (Hint: if it weren't, I wouldn't be telling you this story.) At this point, Mom wanted me to fly into a rage, but all I could think was, "Well, maybe they made a mistake. Let's try this again." I informed the waitress of the mistake, being careful to remind her, "...and no tomato. I'm allergic, and I can't eat a burger that has one on it."

At this point, Mom wanted me to be angry with the waitress, but seeing that she wrote it down correctly, this made no sense, but I did have the strong urge to tell the cook where to stick his tomato. After another short delay, a fresh burger arrived. I'll leave to the imagination what was hidden underneath the meat patty. So I again tell the waitress what's gone wrong and check her order pad to make sure it was written correctly. I added the standard reminder: "...and no tomato! My burger is inedible with a tomato on it."

This time Mom's arguing with me because I just had to order a damn burger in the middle of a fancy restaurant. It's now inexplicably my fault that her meal is being interrupted by my complaints. How dare I try not to die eating my food. After what seemed to be an eternity, the waitress arrived with burger number three. Quick, what's under the lettuce? (If you guessed anything besides "another tomato," please re-evaluate your sense of humor. Thank you.) I asked the waitress if I could have something else instead, but she insisted that I had experienced my last inconvenience. I can only imagine what she did to that poor cook because the next burger was perfect.

Yes, that's right. A Perkouts employee required four cheeseburgers to remember that one of them was supposed to be without tomato. And of course the incident cost me dessert because Mom, who at this point was more steamed than her vegetables, had finished her meal before I took my first bite.

Dear God! Impossible, I say!
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